another crisis in identity

I only belong until I claim belonging.

In another piece of writing, I said my identity feels intrinsically tied to creation. What I didn’t say is that my identity also feels often like something assigned externally

I don’t even know if I look more like my mothers side or my father’s. I used to think about my fathers side, and my mother treated that observation like an abusive statement. In that moment, I learned that identity could signify your loyalty, and to name yourself risked hurting someone else.

Sometimes when I think of it, I think I look like my mom, or at least a good cross between my parents. But then, I’m told otherwise. I’m often told I look more Lebanese than anything else, until I suggest that myself. Then I’m told I look Italian, which is my mother’s side, but also that I look like my father’s side, which is Lebanese. I guess it’s easier to pretend I don’t look like anyone.

I identify as Catholic as long as other Catholics aren’t around me. Or I commiserate with lapsed Catholics/non-practicing Catholics, the Cradle Catholics that walk a tightrope between reverence and rebellion. But around atheist friends, the desire to hold onto that culture becomes damning. And I don’t really believe in the resurrection, so I’m fundamentally not even Catholic. I want to be in the middle, but religious identity feels like it’s a zero-sum situation, where claiming one thing means to erase the other.

I don’t eat meat and that can be treated like I’m trying to be difficult around meat-eaters, while conversely treated like I’m not doing enough for vegans to be satisfied.

I’m Caucasian, and I’ve always wanted to be around people with Middle Eastern ancestry and culture like me. Yet at the same time, I can’t move past the feeling I was secretly infiltrating spaces that aren’t meant for me.

I know they say you can’t please everybody, but it sure would be nice to please one person. Sometimes I’m not even sure I qualify as that one person.

I realize that together this is turning an issue of identity as being tied to performing for an audience. It feels like identity shifts depending on who’s watching, and I’m constantly left wondering, who am I allowed to be in front of this person? Identity stops being internal; instead it’s a social negotiation.

Take me as I am, I want to say, and don’t make me need such strong convictions on things I’m not sure about. But being so undefined feels like some type of deception, to the people around me, and even to myself.

It’s really worrying how stable your sense of self is, when that identity is always externally negotiated and never internally settled. And sometimes I worry that I’ll never actually become someone I can fully stand behind.